I am writing for guidance. I was referred to your website through Bonnie Kaye's newsletter that I receive monthly. I don’t know where to begin. For starters, I am a Christian believer. Three days after I married, my husband gave me a black eye. To this day, I do not know why. But the physical abuse did not stop. It was once a month like a woman's cycle, and I got it whether I needed it or not.
Copyright 2011 by Patsy Rae Dawson LLC. All rights reserved. See Permission to Reproduce at end.
I knew nothing of his double life until he started to commit adultery. We met a gentleman in his 60's who had a house up for rent. I caught my husband with this man, with his pants down at this man’s home. I was horrified and said what is going on? All the blood in me went down to my feet. I was in so much shock. My 1-year-old daughter and I quickly left. Shortly after that, I caught them again in our home, when I came home sooner than planned. My husband left us and moved in with the man. I now realize there were other men in my husband's life where I saw incidents, but dismissed them.
He has beaten me and sexually assaulted our daughter. He has a fetish for 13-14 year old girls, and most recently he moved in with another guy who I believe is gay. I had coffee with him this week, and caught him gazing at this young man working in the food court. I did not say a word. I am learning to keep quiet. Easier said than done. I am wounded; my children are wounded. I am experiencing a ton of shame, and so are the girls. They keep telling me what an embarrassment he is to them. He is like a teenage boy locked in a 52 year old body.
He has read the New Testament, knows about Jesus, went through a baptism (believe it or not), also went to a deliverance service with me once. He made the decision to follow Jesus, but on a visit with his family, he came back defiant and worse than before. He is truly a lost soul. Damaged goods that came out of a violent home situation. I believe he is still searching.
For myself, I am deeply affected by the sin and lifestyle he has chosen, through the spiritual realm, being that I am one with him. I know I deceived myself when I chose to marry him. I accept full responsibility.
I have asked many religious leaders what to do. They told me to wait and see what God does. They’ve asked what do I sense inside---well my belief system and my moral grounding says divorce is wrong, makes me sick to think about it and how would it affect the children spiritually. When my husband moved out to live with another man, I had this knowing almost like a revelation, in my gut, that this is finished. I have been waiting for God to show me an answer but maybe He is waiting for me....I do need some clarification, my thoughts sorted out...thought you might help me a tad. My husband will not admit he is gay, but all his actions point that way. He also says anti gay comments on how he would like to kill them, etc. trying to convince me or himself that he isn’t that way. We have been separated now for more years than we are married.
If you find it in your heart and if you have the time I sure would love to hear from you…and if you have some kind of insight into this mess I would listen. I need something solid not all Christianese talk or clichés. Those things don’t work for me. Thanks for offering your services on Bonnie's website/newsletter. — Karen K (letter used with permission)
(Excerpt from private email)
As you know, Bonnie Kaye and I are going to be talking about divorce next Sunday evening, February 6, 2011, regarding situations like yours. Please go to my Web site and read my review of Barbara Roberts' book Not Under Bondage at "Does God Trap Women in Marriage to Abusive Men?" I highly recommend you buy the book and study the scriptures it uses.
I realize I am not answering your questions specifically. I'm asking you to get Barbara's book and to listen to the radio program. After the radio program, you may want to write me again and ask some specific questions the program triggers in your thinking.
I hope Bonnie and I will have time to talk about the effect on the children. What I'm seeing in life is very different from what you are afraid of. In the meantime, you may want to read my general articles about spouse abuse and sexual sins. — PatsyRae
You can listen to my radio interview with Bonnie Kaye, international author and counselor on homosexuals married to straights. Over 4 million women around the country find themselves married to or divorced from gay men. I answered questions about God’s place for divorce in Christians’ marriages. I began by discussing how more than God hates divorce, God loves sex--his crowning act of the creation. This helps put his attitude toward divorce in proper context. After the famous slogan of "God hates divorce," he divorced Israel making him a divorced husband. Click here to listen to a replay. Go to the “On Demand Episodes” and click on this show. — PatsyRae
FOLLOW UP EMAIL FROM KAREN K (used with permission):
I hope your week has been a blessed one. Maybe you remember me, the woman who wrote to you about being married to a homosexual. I listened to the radio program with Bonnie Kaye, yourself, and Bonnie's co host Misti Lynn Hall and guest. I will probably listen to it again.
Never have I heard an explanation or discussion on marriage, sex and divorce as you presented it. What really opened up my eyes was the discussion on the children. This week I gently asked my 10 year old if she was angry with me for not protecting her from her father the way she thought I should and the way she would have liked me to in her way of thinking. She looked at me, and said thoughtfully, yes, a little. Then I said maybe a lot? And she gave me a raised eyebrow look... I then asked her if she would forgive me for not protecting her from her dad. She said I forgive you Mama. I have yet to approach my 14 year old.
What I got out of your presentation of what God has taught you and revealed to you was TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH!!! After listening to the program, I had nothing but PEACE of mind and spirit. A knowing that divorcing my husband I would be ok and the girls and I would be ok. I think what clinched it for me was when you mentioned the scripture or the time when God divorced Israel, even though, He hates divorce. This is when I felt freedom in my spirit for the first time after many years of wrestling with this whole issue. Hearing the other women speaking of how they got through the divorce and a better life because of God's help reinforced everything you were talking about. Thank you for being candid. I didn’t receive much help from the spiritual leaders I asked for help. I have been praying for my husband for 20 years and still no change... now I will hand him over to God and walk away. Thanks again, Patsy. — Karen K.
Questions for Ask PatsyRae: Email Patsy@AskPatsyRae.com and maybe your letter will be in the next Embarrass the Alligator newsletter. Your name and privacy are always protected. Some details may be changed to protect your identity.
Until then, I remain ...
Always in God's service,
Permission to Reproduce Can I divorce my homosexual husband?
Can I divorce my homosexual husband? by Patsy Rae Dawson. Copyright © 2011 Patsy Rae Dawson LLC. All rights reserved.
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