I would like to know what I would do if my husband recently told me he has been with other guys back in middle school and part of high school, he's now 24....he came out to me back in Feb this year that he had been with 3 guys intimately in middle school, the first being a "molestation" by one of his best friends.....
He failed to tell me this before we got married and I even asked him on several occasions and he would always say no....he assured me however, God has changed him and delivered him from that lifestyle and he has no desire to be with men at all...he is attracted to women, case closed....he made me believe that because the molestation happened at such a young age and was his first sexual encounter that he went through a confusing time....I really don't know what to believe....I have been praying to God to give me the answers on what to do...do I leave or do I stay...
I love this man with all of my heart...we grew up together and have been best friends since high school...I knew nothing about his past until now....and last night made it even worse because we were at a church service and the spirit of God moved like no other…he and I were both just in the moment....I was until I heard him crying out "Lord take it away! Take it away! I don't want to struggle anymore!!!" I asked him on the way home does he still struggle with homosexuality, he said yes.....
I don't know what to do....I really don't! Why did this have to be our problem! What woman wants a husband that used to be gay and is still battling it! And the hard part is that although he is battling with that stronghold, he says its not strong enough to the point of him acting on it...I don't know what to believe....Please help
....... And no abuse (physically or verbally) is going on with my husband and I....he's so loving and so sweet…he fears God with everything that is with in him...he really tries his best to uphold a good Christian moral at all times, whether we're in church or at home….
kmarie87 (letter used by permission)
When Kmarie87 wrote me the middle of April, I had no idea where her question would lead. I asked her permission to consult with a counseling friend before replying, as is my custom many times with this type of question. She said yes and I ran my answer by Oscar Miles, M.A. in Community Counseling, who was moving to start work June 1st as the Teaching and Counseling Minister at the Ardmore Family of God in Oklahoma.
Oscar and I have worked together many times over the years. We respect each other’s love of the Lord and his people and the other’s insight into the good, the bad, and the ugly of marriage. To give Oscar time to move, I used the article on “Neuroscience exposes Solomon and his 1000 wives’ stunted sexual growth” for the April newsletter. It is a good forerunner to this one. If you missed it, you can read it at EmbarrasstheAlligator.com.
Additionally, Oscar and I corresponded with Kmarie87 and her husband, who indicated a desire to save his marriage.
Working with young men and their fathers, Oscar teaches sex-education classes at teen retreats called SLAYING THE GIANT AND CUTTING OFF THE HEAD: GOD’S AMAZING SECRETS FOR A LIFETIME OF GREAT SEX. These classes help the students avoid and overcome sexual addiction. Several years ago, I published this survey from Oscar regarding the damage Internet porn does to our young men whose parents are Christians:
9-10th graders (age 14-16)
- 20% Never viewed Internet porn
- 33% Viewed on accident
- 47% Viewed on purpose
- 20% Still viewing occasionally or somewhat regularly
- 13% Admitted viewing homosexual porn on the Internet
11-12th graders (age 16-19)
- 90% Viewed Internet porn ON PURPOSE
- 67% Still viewing occasionally or somewhat regularly
- 22% Viewing it "somewhat regularly"
- 22% Admitted to viewing homosexual porn
- 11% Admitted to having interest in homosexual porn
When Oscar teaches plain sexual material to high-school boys, they often ask, "Why didn't someone tell us these things when we were in junior high before we developed these bad habits (compulsive masturbation and pornography) that require so much hard work to overcome?" Many of these young men, upon learning someone will give them honest help, drive long distances to counsel with Oscar.
Oscar advises parents go to www.wisechoice.net/porn-statistics to read “Warning over children who abuse” by Nick Triggle to see what Christians are facing with their young people. The damage done by instant Internet porn is much worse than any of us can imagine. (2008 statistics)
I frequently recommend to churches that they take advantage of Oscar’s talent for working with young people and schedule him to do these challenging, plain, but fun retreats. In fact, Oscar and I have worked together developing material for young men and women. To schedule a sex-education retreat, contact me, or Oscar at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Oscar and I worked to provide a generic answer that will have variations in the individual cases to provide a tool for Kmarie87 and Christians, who love others and want to help them, to overcome their problems. While this problem may seem remote, once workers understand the signs of a homosexual married to a straight wife, many of them, like me, will realize they have unknowingly faced this issue many times in trying to help others. And probably every one of those marriages failed even if the couple stayed together because the real problem was kept secret. Thus, this letter turned into a booklet.
This reply is my voice with labeled inserts from Oscar.
I applaud your courage to write about this painful problem. You have come out of the closet as the straight wife of a man who struggles with homosexuality. Over 4 million women share your problem of either living with or being divorced from a homosexual struggler.
Both you and your husband, in his private emails, indicate he is at the front of this struggle. Oscar explains, “It is probably true that there is every level of homosexuality between ‘slightly curious’ and ‘can’t even enjoy sex with a woman.’ I would agree with calling him a homosexual if he was either not struggling, denying the problem, or constantly involved in homosexual practices.”
When I wrote the booklet Male and Female: God’s Genius! I was surprised when Web sites about homosexuality picked it up because the essay did not use the word homosexual, nor did it contemplate the problem. Reflecting, I realized it made perfect sense. Homosexuals and lesbians look down on the differences between men and women. Some even hate the opposite sex because of their unique characteristics.
God treats homosexuals, sexual addicts, serial adulterers, and spouse abusers the same. They all lack the ability to be a good lover with a flesh-and-blood wife and share a common root—disrespect for women that usually begins in childhood and is often parroted in our churches that portray women as second-class spiritual beings.
You asked, “Do I leave or do I stay?” It is not my place to tell you to stay or to leave. However, I can offer you hope if your husband is willing to work on the problem. Then I will issue a strong warning of what lies ahead for a wife and her children if this problem is not solved quickly. I have seen too much of the unspeakable misery.
Sometimes hurting mates falsely assume, “If it doesn’t get any worse than this, I can live with it.” Sin always gets worse. I firmly believe sexual sins are so deceptive that we cannot know where we are headed if we don’t kick and cry and scream until we truly solve these problems.
Finally, I will give a plan for healing the soul and the marriage that I’ve witnessed work before in extreme cases. You and your husband are going to have to discuss this problem thoroughly to see where the two of you are on solving it.
Following is my response along with Oscar’s comments to Kmarie87 and others suffering from a homosexual struggler trying to love a straight wife. You can comment on the blog at the bottom of the page.
The hope: Overcoming homosexuality
Your husband's honesty. Sin thrives on secrecy. Your husband is being truthful in increments. If he were continuing to cover it up, he would be dooming your marriage to a slow, painful death. Oscar says husbands who tell someone about their sexual struggles have the greatest chance of overcoming them. After a while, they need to talk to someone other than the wife because it becomes a burden for her. He needs counseling.
Your honesty. Codependency thrives on the secrecy of covering up the other’s sin. The opposite is confronting the sin instead of sympathizing with it. It is easy to explain away mistreatment by one’s mate. Excuses doom the marriage. Paul plainly states this in Ephesians 5:11-12.
Your youth. Aging sin grows stronger as it pursues secret fulfillment while cultivating weasel-word-lying expertise. Read my article about the three levels of sin to see how the longer the sin flourishes underground, the harder it is to eradicate it.
Your love for God. Both sin and codependence thrive on ignorance of God’s design for marriage. God says, “Because of ignorance, my people are destroyed” (Hosea 4:6). God will not magically heal any man of homosexuality. Instead, he gives detailed instructions on how men can work to overcome its influence.
God does not trap anyone in a sinful marriage. Our marriage vows before God were not a pledge to submit to sin. God condemns submission to sin per Ephesians 5:11-12 and Jude 22-23. If we swore to stay together for better or worse, we were talking about the normal trials of life—financial, health, death, children, retirement, in-laws—those kind of problems. Sexual sin in the home is not normal and violates God’s laws and the marriage pledge “to have and to hold.”
God does not condemn all divorce. God condemns the sinful breaking of vows. God made a vow with Israel, which Israel broke and went after other gods. God sent the prophet Hosea to rebuke Israel to repent of her harlotries (Hosea 4:11-12). When she would not, even though God had made a vow with her, he divorced Israel as an unfaithful wife. God set the example for us on how to honor our vows and how to deal with sin in the home.
The WARNING! Love for God may stagnate; sin does not
The three levels of sin in Jude 22-23 demonstrate the enslaving power of unchallenged sin in the home. If you did not do so earlier, please read my article “WARNING! 3 Levels of Sin—3 Levels of Restoration.” Sin goes through predictable phases starting perhaps as a slip, then becoming more consuming, until finally enslaving the person’s life.
Some words from Oscar:
We might get the impression that the homosexual struggler (my term) made the decision to think the way he does, and he is willfully progressing toward deeper and deeper sin and abuse. Most homosexual strugglers whom I have counseled truly did not have any control over the original attraction. It mostly comes about as the result of some kind of abuse (even if it was willing, there was a power differential which makes it abuse), but sometimes because of being a child’s first or most frequent personal exposure to sex. A child has no control over this. By the time he reaches adolescence, the attraction for men is there no matter how badly he wishes it wasn’t. His attraction is not a choice.
However, he can actually change his attraction through the hard work Patsy describes at the end of this column. Though there will always be a “weakness” in one sense, it can be a strength in the sense that overcoming this attraction means a former homosexual’s view of sex becomes this: sex with anyone but a female spouse is repulsive. To this individual, sex with another woman is no less repulsive than sex with a man. In this sense, he learns how the truly sanctified marriage is between one male and one female. Anything else is nothing more than a physical act.
Read Bonnie Kaye’s book The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder
Everyone involved in marriage counseling should read The Gay Husband Checklist to become familiar with the outward manifestations of homosexuality. When I started working with couples 40 years ago, the thought of homosexuals marrying straight women never entered our minds. Taking what I learned from Bonnie and reflecting on those first complaints of sexually-uninterested husbands, I believe a large percentage of the misery in those marriages resulted from homosexuality.
You can read online the first 5 chapters of my book God’s People Make the Best Lovers and the story of Jane, a composite of three wives suffering from marriage to sexual duds. One husband confessed his homosexuality to his wife after she discovered his porn. One of the other wives learned her husband was a homosexual as the marriage was failing. Two of the three wives used in this composite suffered as straight wives married to homosexuals.
Normal marriage counseling will not solve the problem of homosexuality. It may only cover it up for a while as the husband figures out how to pretend better. Go to Bonnie’s Web site at www.GayHusbands.com and sign up for her newsletter and access other resources.
It is as if the husbands went to Homosexual Class 101 for sin level 1
Homosexual strugglers often give their straight wives classical excuses for being poor lovers. It is as if they went to college to learn what to say when their wives object to sexual neglect.
- The wife is not pretty enough to be worth his trouble. (Translation: The husband prefers masturbating to his favored images, which enslaves him further to his secret lusts and pleasuring himself.)
- French kissing is germy.
- The wife’s genitals smell bad when this odor turns on heterosexuals.
- The wife’s undressing turns him off.
- He’s afraid of losing his erection.
Some words from Oscar:
Not all homosexual strugglers meet all these characteristics. Some are just beginning to struggle against homosexuality. Others have continually struggled very hard against this sin, not wanting to be homosexuals and wanting desperately to properly love their wives. They would change if they knew how. If the husband shows few of the above characteristics, the situation is more hopeful. The more of these lines he already uses, the more difficult it will be to save the marriage.
Masturbation starts very early and should go at the very beginning. It is level 1 or earlier. This is not 100% true, but near to it. Fighting masturbation is one of the earliest problems and most difficult to overcome.
Knowledge gives power. Bonnie’s book helps wives turn the spotlight on additional homosexual cover-ups instead of feeling hurt by their husbands’ lack of sexual love. Paul told wives to expose sin in Ephesians 5:13.
Wives cannot cure their husbands’ homosexuality. Wives cannot love their husbands out of homosexuality. Wives cannot be pretty enough to lure a homosexual out of his desire for men. Wives cannot be submissive enough to make the homosexuality go away. It is not the wife’s fault the husband is a homosexual. The only thing wrong with her is she wasn’t born with the right plumbing to entice him.
It’s as if the husbands take the Advanced Homosexuality Class for sin levels 2 & 3
What wives suffer in the early years pales before what they experience later. My emails indicate these same characteristics also describe other sexual sinners—sexual addicts, serial adulterers, and spouse abusers:
- He begins to resent the wife for wanting sex with him.
- His newlywed love may turn into thinly concealed hatred. It may progress into plotting how to harm his wife financially and in other ways.
- While he may fake lovemaking for a few years to produce children, sex with the wife decreases. Eventually, the wife begins fighting temptation and anger.
- He becomes so proficient at weasel-word lying; he easily looks his wife in the eye while deceiving her.
- He may relieve his growing hatred with verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.
- He will probably become impotent with his straight wife in his 50s, blaming some medical condition. Even Viagra cannot overcome his growing hatred of her femininity.
- When sex stops completely with the wife, his sins will escalate. He will no longer be forced to try to like her enough to maintain an erection. The emotional atmosphere of the marriage rapidly deteriorates even more. The wife sinks into incomprehensible loneliness and fights deeper depression.
- With the emotional attachment weakening with his wife, he becomes more susceptible to affairs with both homosexuals and women. He pursues the women, not for sex, but to feed his denial of what he is.
- He may bring a “friend” into the home for frequent visits.
- He may flirt coyly with some man sitting at the table eating the food his wife prepared for company.
- He may take “honeymoon” trips with a male friend.
- His male friend, acting like a “jealous old woman,” may pressure him to divorce his wife. This may provide the first clue his wife has about “what” she has been married to.
By now, the sin is deeply into stage three, which Jude warned in verse 23, “and on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh” enslaving the husband to his abnormal lusts and selfish pleasuring of himself.
Homosexual sex with a straight differs from sex between two heterosexuals
Bonnie clearly describes in her books how substandard homosexual sex is with a straight compared to lovemaking between two heterosexuals. While heterosexuals playfully experiment in lovemaking, homosexual sex is doing his duty at its worst because the female body repulses him! A homosexual told his wife he closed his eyes and imagined she were a man to keep his erection. If a woman married as a virgin, she may be clueless to how powerful and effective a heterosexual’s erection is—no need to make appointments for sex.
1 Corinthians 7:1-5, written to former homosexuals, adulterers, sexual addicts, and abusers (6:9-11), is about avoiding temptation for both homosexuals and straight wives by enjoying great heterosexual-quality sex—not faking it. The fact that God commanded husbands and wives to provide satisfying heterosexual sex for their spouses demonstrates homosexuals, sexual addicts, serial adulterers, and abusers can learn to be loving both emotionally and physically.
Some words from Oscar:
That the husband is being honest only in increments is not to be taken lightly. That he is being honest at all is a very good sign. That he is unable at this point to be completely forthcoming shows how dangerous this is. He needs a counselor right away. At some point, I think the wife has heard enough. He needs a third party counselor. Each wife is different. Many wives whose husbands commit to overcoming homosexuality can survive with their marriages intact without hearing all the details. There can be honesty without some of the details. The husband needs to be willing to reveal everything. However, revealing everything is not always healthy for either. That’s my opinion based on my training.
Each case is so highly individualized, that offering generic advice like Patsy, is extremely difficult. Patsy is doing a great service in this advice column covering the spectrum of homosexual sin in marriage. Read this column carefully, but then get individual and/or marriage counseling from a competent Christian professional. An advice column is totally different from true counseling. [Oscar responds to emails sent to email@example.com.]
A man who doesn’t know how to love his wife doesn’t know how to love his children. Not only does the wife quickly become love starved, but the whole family becomes deprived of genuine male affection. Anyone who does not know how to love others, and especially his wife, does not even know how to accept love from others—not from his wife or his children. A woman cannot be super mom to totally protect her children from neglect from their father. Living with this sin stunts the emotional growth of the wife and the children—and especially the sexual sinner himself.
Sexual sins are especially heinous. Sexual deviation destroys families and passes the unloving attitudes on to the children—either to practice or to become codependent to sin. After God gave Moses the Ten Commandments carved in stone in Exodus 34:1-7, he declared his love and patience with mankind. Then God warned about the iniquity of the fathers being passed on to the third and fourth generations. Social scientists recognize this process of the child learning from the father with spouse abuse. Perhaps it is time we acknowledge the same principle with homosexuality and deplore the ungodly attitude toward women often preached and condoned in our churches.
Be concerned for your safety. Some husbands kill to protect their reputations. No wife battling sin in the home should assume this could not happen to her because her husband acts loving now. Dealing with sin is dangerous as Paul warned regarding the third level of enslavement. Find someone to watch out for you and to hold you accountable before facing this problem with your husband. He also needs an outside person to keep him accountable along with you. If your gut warns you about your safety, visit a women’s shelter and ask for help to evaluate your situation.
The Plan: Sanctifying the Soul and the Marriage
Bonnie Kaye and I openly, but respectfully, disagree about whether a person is born being a homosexual. Bonnie has witnessed homosexual misery up close. She has seen husbands make promises only to revert to the way they were before.
My experience is that most sexual sinners, regardless of what the sin is, are not motivated to put the necessary mental work into changing from the inside out. They are more likely to feign change only long enough to get the mate to back off.
If the sinner will not work, God will not reach down and change him in spite of his unloving stubbornness. That’s why I started with the warnings before giving the plan. A plan only works when used. I have glorified God many times when I’ve witnessed men working through sanctification to overcome sexual addiction and homosexuality. God’s plan works when used.
Sexual responses are learned. Early experiences and molestation profoundly affect the brain. Autopsies show a difference in the brains of homosexuals and heterosexuals. Fortunately, the brain is constantly changing. By educating the brain and learning how to enjoy great heterosexual sex, ongoing scientific studies suggest real physical changes can be made.
In fact, universities are researching this phenomenon, trying to harness the power of sugar pills and saline water to cure diseases including breast cancer. Google “the placebo affect” and “the placebo response” to see some of these fascinating studies for yourself.
Consider devoting a year to becoming sanctified without distraction
I'm talking about devoting a year of your life to studying God’s plan for your sexual relationship from both the physical and emotional perspectives. That's how long God told Jewish bridegrooms to spend giving their wives pleasure to start their marriages on a high sexual plane in Deut. 24:5. Even if you were two heterosexuals, this commitment to study God’s love would give you rewards you cannot imagine. Make this commitment to each other now to enjoy all God has reserved for you in your marriage.
And that will only be the beginning. I’ve witnessed a husband overcome this. It started as molestation for him. He worked hard. He confided in his wife. They went through my books. To me, he is one of God’s heroes—someone I admire for who he is today. Let me emphasize: HE WORKED HARD.
God took this sin away from the Corinthian Christians in I Cor. 6:9-11 with a three-part formula to sanctify the sexual relationship. Read my online booklet Adultery and Sexual Addiction: A Plan for Healing the Soul and the Marriage to see how to apply this process for overcoming sexual sins.
I suggest one change from the homework in the booklet: Because you have a serious sexual problem, I recommend you go through God's People Make the Best Lovers a second time. Going through it again after studying the mental relationship, you’ll pick up points you missed the first time. This will increase your potential to grow rapidly.
As I said, it is not my place or anyone else’s to tell you to stay or to go. You need to look at the damage this sin will do to every life it touches, yours and your children’s lives, if it is not stopped. If you make the decision to proceed with God’s Corinthian Plan, then set dates to analyze if progress is being made. If your husband has backed off from studying, the future for your marriage is grim.
Don’t let life get a little better and you entertain hope without serious work being done. Small improvements are good, but your husband must keep improving. Don’t let him raise your hopes and then settle for “better.” The years will pass and the sin will only get worse as your children grow up and suffer the consequences in their bodies and their minds. Do not settle for less than the very best!
But for today, go hug that man's neck and thank him for being honest with you. Forthrightness is the hardest and most important step of all. It has brought you face to face with a serious problem before it has destroyed your marriage. And it is enabling you to make an intelligent decision.
If you have additional questions, let me know.
With God’s love for both you and your husband, and everyone in this same miserable marriage relationship, I remain . . .
Always in God's service,
Please pray for Kmarie87 and her young husband that they both might experience God’s love and healing sanctification. They have at least a year of hard work ahead of them. Approach God often for them.
Questions for Ask PatsyRae: Email Patsy@AskPatsyRae.com and maybe your letter will be in the next Embarrass the Alligator newsletter. Your name and privacy are always protected. Some details may be changed to protect your identity.
Patsy Rae Dawson’s readers describe her as the most outspoken Christian woman on sex, meaning she is frank and does not hold anything back. She draws on four decades of teaching and mentoring both husbands and wives about marriage and the Bible to answer your email questions. Her expertise ranges from the uplifting sexual teaching of the Song of Solomon to dealing with the complex issues of difficult marriages. You can leave comments on her blog at EmbarrasstheAlligator.com and email her at Patsy@AskPatsyRae.com.
Can my homosexual husband be sanctified? by Patsy Rae Dawson. Copyright © 2011 Patsy Rae Dawson LLC. All rights reserved.
Can my homosexual husband be sanctified? by Patsy Rae Dawson is available at EmbarrasstheAlligator.com. It may be copied for noncommercial use only, provided you do the following: 1. Retain all copyright, trademark and propriety notices; 2. Make no modifications to the materials; 3. Do not use the materials in a manner that suggests an association with Patsy Rae Dawson LLC; and; 4. Do not download quantities of materials to a database, server, or personal computer for reuse for commercial purposes. You may not use this material in any other way without prior written permission. For additional permissions, contact Patsy Rae Dawson LLC at Patsy@EmbarrasstheAlligator.com.